Feel Jealous and Insecure in Your Relationship?

An article by Sally R. Connolly, LMFT and John E. Turner,LMFT

Do you notice yourself feeling jealous and insecure in your relationship?

Do you often wonder what your partner is doing and wish that you could calm your thoughts and worries?

Do you sometimes think that there is someone more attractive or interesting than you?
If you answer “yes” to even one of these questions, then jealousy and insecurity may be taking up too much space in your mind and in your relationship.

Tips for Tackling Jealous and Insecure Feelings

1. Name and claim feelings of being jealous and insecure. Tackling the problems of jealousy and insecurity begins with an awareness and understanding of the root causes. It is important to first “name it and claim it“.

2. Can you determine if there is a real reason to feel jealous and insecure? Jealousy and insecurity can be emotional reactions to scenarios in your mind that may or may not be true. Thoughts, ideas or beliefs may float through your mind based on reality … or not.

Sometimes those feelings can be useful, signaling that something is wrong in the relationship and needs to be discussed. If this is the case, then it can be an opportunity for growth for yourself and your relationship.

Usually, the emotion, if it hangs around for a while; however, is not healthy or helpful and can even be destructive for you and for the relationship.

3. Learn to soothe and calm yourself. Thinking clearly is almost always impossible when thoughts and judgment are clouded by feeling jealous or insecure.

4. Approach Jealousy and Insecurity Directly

5. Take responsibility for yourself and your own strong reactions. While your partner may be doing, or have done, something in the past that precipitated those feelings, you are responsible for allowing them to hang around and affect you. Understand the grip that feeling jealous or insecure can have on you.
6. Try to understand the trigger for the feelings of being jealous or insecure. What was the root cause? Pay attention to the times when you feel jealous or insecure and see if you can figure out what might have happened right before that triggered these emotions.

After determining what the precipitating incident, thought or worry was, ask yourself the following questions: 

  • Did something from the past (far or near) or present trigger the feelings of jealousy and insecurity?
  •  Was this something imagined or real?
  •  Are the feelings rational or irrational?
  •  Are these feelings really about your own insecurities?
  •  Do you have a low self-esteem?


If you find that there was a clear precipitating event that triggered the feelings of jealousy and insecurity in your relationship, then find calm and soft ways to approach your partner with your thoughts and feelings. Talk more about yourself and what you are experiencing with concrete and specific examples of what has lead you to these questions or worries.

If you find that the jealousy or insecurity came more from personal or past relationship history, then find ways to let go of the past and live more in the present.

If jealousy and insecurity are more about your own lack of self-esteem, then talk out loud with a professional counselor, a friend or read some good self-help books to find ways to increase your feelings of self-worth.

The jealous bring down the curse they fear upon their own heads.                                             ~Dorothy Dix

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